Thursday, 3 November 2016

I am able to talk again

I am back on deck and I think more in control of myself than I have been for quite some time. Will be making more additions to this blog as I go along. The main thing I want to do is to get back to a regular posting schedule...get some updates going so bare with me


Wednesday, 13 April 2016

Where you been?

Since my last post I have

I have been growing my hair some more
I have had laser hair removal treatments on my face
I have had 5 Electrolysis sessions
I have been exercising daily
I have been dressing as I please, male or female (still working on that wardrobe)
I am going for a consult to get my hair fixed (transplants)
I have finished therapy with my Psychologist
I have had my first HRT appointment
I have had my second HRT appointment (waiting on the letter now then ready to go)
I have had my first appointment with Psychiatrist
I have managed to Alienate my Mother, Father and to a lesser extent my older brother
I have been attending support groups
I have spent a huge amount of time dealing with "parent" issues

So just had a couple of things on my plate. The most time consuming has been dealing with issues around my parents. After being told for the last 6 months that my mother had some issues over my transition that she needed to work through I was then told that there never was a problem and I must be misreading what is being said. So after spending the last 6 months as half a wreck thinking I had hurt my mother so badly that she couldn't bring herself to even speak to me...not the case apparently. My eldest brother has sworn black and blue that he has not spoken to my parents, only to come partially clean with me and admit that he has been. speaking to them "only recently" but I suspect he may have even preempted my coming out to my parents. If he did then what has happened since then all makes fact when you make that the first thing that happened it is the only thing that makes it all fit together.

Friday, 4 December 2015

Body Dysphoria and why being trans sucks

I have the most issues and triggers when I am in the bathroom. Unbeknown to me this is quite common among trans people. I have always avoided thinking about how I felt about my body. It is something that I have never really considered I had a choice to change so really it just added to my misery.

Today whilst starting to have a shave in prep for showering the Dysphoria got a hold of me very powerfully and at its height I had a real clear revelation. I do not like my body and when the Dysphoria is at it worst, I feel almost like a separate entity to my its an overcoat.

As I looked at my body in the mirror I really wanted to rip my head away but instead I made myself stand there and look. I couldn't do it and ended up a blubbering mess for about 5 minutes. By the time I had calmed down from this episode I had remembered a number of instances when I have felt the same way standing in the bathroom but every other time I have pushed and shoved until I buried that feeling deep. This time I let myself experience the full weight of that emotion and as a result I reached a realisation...I have a huge amount of body Dysphoria...this is behind my push for hormones....I wasn't sure why that motivation was so strong but now I know. It is also why I won't flat out discount SRS as not happening.

This is a significant breakthrough for me as I have been struggling with this for quite some time. I have avoided dealing with the body dysphoria all along mainly because I am scared of what it means. I am also scared of what I have to do to get my peace...I don't even know if I will be able to afford it.

Since Saturday nights outing I have had a strong feeling that I am doing the right thing by myself. This pervasive feeling of wanting to present more feminine is becoming increasingly hard to hold back. I have stirred Sarah into real action I need to get HRT as a minimum but I suspect I need to look very carefully at SRS. I need to spend time exploring my feelings with someone who knows their stuff. This is something I need to get right, if SRS is what I need to feel whole then I will get SRS.

There is a feeling deep inside me that I have experienced on few occasions and this a feeling of something good, something nice, feeling calm maybe it is the feeling of being whole? I don't know but I do know each time I have experienced this feeling is when I have attempted to come out and 19 and the again in my early 30's. This is why I got scared because everything I thought could be true about my self ...was. To be honest I don't remember 19 but I do remember in my early 30's after being so sick that I just had to find the answer behind my drinking.

The answer was self evident and I began to explore in detail these feminine feelings. I began to cross dress for extended periods and the more I did it the more comfortable I became and the surer I was that I was on the right track. Had KM been more receptive I may have transitioned earlier but to be honest I don't think I was ready then. Km became increasingly upset so I began to curtail my activities and that is when I came to the realisation that this was not about the clothes as in a crossdresser and never had been. I stopped thinking about it when I reached that point and took a hand full of OxyContin to quell my now screaming body...My stress levels went way up but I managed after about 3 or so weeks to push all my thoughts and feelings deep down inside.

But as we all know it never remains quiet for long. So over the next 13 or 14 years I dressed when my dysphoria got out of control...I found each time I did this I found it more difficult to return to male mode...and became more and more I just didn't do the end low testosterone saved my sanity because it gave me about 2 years with out high levels of testosterone which helped with my Dysphoria...and the rest as they say is history

Am I happy?

I had a skype call with my parents the other day and my father was at great pains to tell me that I look the best I have for years and has never heard me sound happier. When my mother came on the skype she also took time to tell me how well and happy I look.

So I thought about I happier now, partially dressing everyday, perfume, clothes, jewellery minimal eye makeup...I think the answer to that lies in as much how I am when I don't do those things for myself...a miserable shit. When I do...I don't seem to be as angry or as down...I still get triggered and feel lousy. But over all things are better than they were this time last year and things will be better again this time next year.

So am I Happy?

You bet I am, with the start of my transition a month or so I ago I have been making sow and steady steps without to many hurdles, The progress has been slow but steady and I can feel it gathering momentum. HRT appointment in February, Hopefully a Psych appointment sometime in the same month.

I am Happy

Happy to be transitioning

Happy My family is on board with me

Happy my partner has come along for the ride a well

Happy to be knowing I am ending 2015 and next year could be my last presenting male.

Happy to have the reprieve from my pain for the last 10 days (don't remember the last time this happened)

So yes I am happy and have plenty to be happy about.

Sarah T

Tuesday, 24 November 2015

Comments are now Open

I have enabled the comments field for anyone who wished to comment on anything I post. I reserve the right to remove any post I find offensive. Please use appropriate language when referring to trans people. Please show respect to each other and I will not have to step in and prevent things from escalating

Otherwise I welcome comments observations, personal stories...just about anything will do so long as its on topic.

Sarah T

Tuesday, 17 November 2015

This is a choice is it

This passage was written in the middle of a full blown Dysphoric episode this morning to try and give an Idea of what I was feeling at the time.

"I walk down the hall to the bathroom but before I can enter I am hit with a feeling of loss so intense it brings a tear to my eye, this only last briefly but leaves me a little stunned. By the time I come back from putting my towel in the bathroom, the second one hits followed immediately by the third each one with a stronger emotion I sit here tears streaming down my cheeks  fighting the urge to do something stupid...being overwhelmed by the Dysphoria, the disconnection, the feeling of being wrong and can never be right I am having difficulty breathing and having heart  palpitations... tears...anger...fear...shame, guilt...I didn't want this dysphoria, I didn't ask for this ...the emotional pain is crippling in its intensity. Pacing back and forth desperately truing to shut out the mental images ...becoming increasingly agitated,

After about 15 minutes my breathing begins to moderate the tears begin to slow the deep feeling of loss still remains, the great feeling of yearning, like an itch you can't scratch remains as it always does...this is not a simple want or desire this is a need so bad it hurts.

I am calming now although I know I am close to "losing it" if self hatred is at its most ferocious, my guilt takes a steady climb. I am now going to spend the next few hours trying to ride the emotional wave down and keep myself under control or I will just start crying or worse slip into the suicidal idealization.

I am now irritated, fidgety, labile and physically "wired"...legs won't stop going

So now I wait and hope the next one is not to close to this episode...don't really know how I will handle that

Being trans is a choice? Who in their right mind would choose this!"

Dysphoria Sucks

The last couple of days have sucked...mainly due to the Dysphoria I have experienced. There have been a number of triggers but they all amount to the same thing. I was asked the other day to describe how my Dysphoria feels and the best I could come up with was this

When you experience a fright and flight reaction you would get a sudden adrenaline boost and the feeling that comes when the adrenaline is leaving or gone out of your system. It is that kind of feeling without the adrenaline rush. Its the best description  I can come up with that comes close to describing the physical sensation of Dysphoria.

I am sure other people experience it in different ways but for me it always comes back to that feeling of something being wrong, an underlying feeling that this is not how things are supposed to be, THIS KNOWING that you are female...hard to admit...but unless you do it is very hard to move forward.

My partner has witnessed what she must see as a withdrawn, reserved, depressed and quite unlikeable person over the last 3 days and from my point of view I have barely been able to keep it together and at times have not been able to but have successfully kept it to myself. She feels bad enough already without  adding to it.

Dysphoria Sucks

Sunday, 15 November 2015

What is up with my Mom??

My birthday rolls around last week and as such I get a phone call from them. It has now been 8 weeks since I told them I was trans and they have said nothing to me other than the initial support. I had spoken to them prior to this but the trans elephant was well and truly in the room. However during the conversation this time my mother spoke and said she had received my update and was still taking on board the stuff I had told her, she said she needed to "keep her own Council" for the moment and that she "may" be able to discuss it with me soon and could I please be patient she left the conversation. My father was just relieved that he could now talk to me and I had quite a fun animated conversation covering everything from SRS to hair loss. He appears to be at ease discussing things with me and seems to understand that could be of Huge benefit to me. I am completely comfortable that my Dad is ok

I spoke to him the other day and asked him what was up with Mum and he seemed to think it had something to do with the potential for me to be publicly ridiculed. I suspect mum has "man in a dress" syndrome and views me as I am now but simply wearing a dress. I am unsure as to exactly what my Mothers fears are because she won't verbalise them to me. My Father seems to think that given time she will speak to me but I have to say it may well be all to late for her to ever redeem herself in my eyes. She has hurt me badly over this and made a mockery of many of the "values" she tried to instil in me growing up.

I am really angry and disappointed in her reaction to this. She can t6alk the talk but cannot walk the walk. It all good just not in my backyard.

I can only think of a couple of reasons for her to act this way. The first is guilt...she somehow thinks she is the cause...there are a couple of incidence from my childhood that re significant in my memory. My mother could probably tell you where she went to eat and what she had 10 years ago if the circumstances were put to her in the right way, she has a remarkable memory yet cannot remember any of the incidence I can remember where I declared my self a girl. The incident involving them having to attend Tracy's place and speak to her parents about our behaviour. Me being told to learn to play with the boys.

If however she remembers this and more then there could lie part of the issues for her...she knew I was having difficulties and ignored it hoping I would all go away and here we are 50 years later bigger and brighter than it has ever was.

The other possibility is that she finds the whole thing sop abhorrent that she has difficulty just trying to speak to me. She is so disgusted by it that she can't reconcile what is happening.

What she does not realise is it is too late she has already destroyed part of our relationship with her silence. It is sad I can not speak to her with feeling hurt.  She doe not understand the extent to which she has hurt me. My view of her has changed and unfortunately I can never get what I had back...its gone. She took a little piece of me when she decided to remain silent. I feel disgusted by her actions and her attitude mainly because when we were growing up were  taught respect for people's differences...clearly she didn't really believe what she was telling us as kids but thought it the right way to bring us up...hypocritical bitch. At least my father is consistent and when I think back he always has been. Mum has always been the loose cannon with the terrible violent streak.

Like it or not I start my first Laser treatment on my face on Thursday so the next time we skype there could be noticeable remnants of the treatment.  By Xmas I will have had about 4-5 treatments and there should be a marked reduction in my facial beard. By then I am also hoping to be more femme around the home.So she is going to have to confront it at some point and if it takes until I appear dressed in front of her...if it takes this long then I have grave doubts for our relationship going forward.

Monday, 9 November 2015

Frustration Frustration Frustration

It probably gets to everyone that transitions, the point where you are in limbo. You have come out to everyone and dealt with the heavy emotional turmoil that brings, you have managed to get yourself to the point where it is now second nature to have a daily beauty simple as that may be, you probably wear exclusively feminine underwear, your use perfume, jewellery, paint your nails, growing your hair, losing weight but essentially still present as male or semi androgynous.

You are in wait mode for the Psychiatrist to get the letter to start HRT, Once HRT is underway then a real firm plan can be put in place with some actual timelines for change. But at the moment you are not there...all your defences are now down, coping mechanisms at there poorest you are essentially very emotionally vulnerable. All your defence and coping mechanisms have been torn down as part of the self acceptance... and you wait neither one thing nor another, you wait for your turn with the keeper of the wait.    

Each day as you move through your life the triggers are more prevalent the Dysphoric feelings are stronger, they last longer, but you keep going you know it will be soon...surely it can't me much much longer can I live in this limbo. The desire to present as your true self grows exponentially with each new day.

I want to get on with my life, I don't want this dangling in front of me like some demented carrot. I need to transition for my own sanity. I want this and I will own that. I cannot move ahead without the assistance of hormones to help me blend. I know it will improve my mental health and ease my Dysphoria...I just can't get in front of the right Dr to get my letter for endo referral. I have had three professionals diagnose me with Gender Dysphoria and have yet to receive any help and I have to see yet another person to tell me this. In the meantime I am really as far as I dare without beginning to attract some attention and if I am going to cause some attention to myself I would rather do it trying to fully pass. I am frustrated

I want to yell and scream and kick and punch and break things and spit and stomp and curse until I have no more energy to do it any longer and then I want to do it some more.

I just want to get up one day and be able to look at myself in the mirror and smile instead of looking back into my own black ringed haunted eyes. I want to be able to present exactly how I feel without the restrictions I currently have because I am not supposed to upset anyone by presenting too female to quickly. Screw you all and your sensitivities...I am hurting, I am frustrated, I am so very tired of all the tip toeing around...I just want to be me...I have no defences against my Dysphoria anymore except to really start presenting as female.

Sunday, 8 November 2015

What does Gender Dysphoria feel like physically?

This is a question I have been asked numerous times and have great difficulty explaining. Over the last 48 hrs I have had several hours of quite disturbing Dysphoria. So I thought in this instance I would try and explain how I felt over the last 48 hrs.

Usually starts with a rise in my anxiety levels and then the thoughts and feelings are a woman, you would look good with that hair style or colour lipstick, but you can't, you not female, your male, not I am not, yes you are have a look between your legs, whats between my legs does not define are woman...not your not...yes you are....that perfume would smell good on you, Why was I born this way, why was I not given the right body...all the time these random and rapid thoughts are circulating my anxiety is rising, the pit of my stomach starts to churn and "the feeling" returns. ("The feeling" was my description of my Dysphoria when I was younger)

I have the physical sensations that are similar to the "Fight and flight" sensation we have all experienced. So it isn't a fight and flight reaction but the feeling is very similar to the aftermath of one of these Fight and flight episodes. When your body is in wind down from it...this sensation can go on for hours along with the thinking and feelings of anxiety, restlessness, grumpy, sad, I always become very labile crying at the drop of a hat. After a number of hours it physically wears you down. I get very tired, I get very withdrawn, sullen and quiet. Once the fight and flight type sensations finally resolve I am left with a deep sense of something missing or lost, a feeling of being desolate with no hope. All through this is an underlying feeling that there is something can feel it in your gut.

During this period I have great difficulty in communicating effectively and tend to withdraw. However more recently I have been trying to meet the Dysphoria head on to try and negate some of its feelings...I have not as yet been overly successful with this technique but I will persevere for a bit longer. I don't hold out any real hope until I am much further into my transition for an easing of my Dysphoria.

I hope the description gives those that don't suffer from Dysphoria an idea of what it feels like for this individual. Everyone will experience it differently but one thing is universal and that is...Gender Dysphoria sucks!!!